What are the little ways in which pride is manifest in marriage?

     In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Wallace Goddard states, “We are devoted to finding happiness- and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.”  After 28 years of marriage I can say that many selfish moments make up a marriage and too much time is spent in trying to get our own way.  John Gottman states,  "when a couple [has] an argument, there are so many accusations and counteraccusations that sometimes it can be hard to determine the underlying cause."  We have to step back, shake off our pride and start over with a resolve to focus on the problem and a solution and not attack each other in the process.  Sometimes we have to say we are sorry, even when we believe our spouse is at fault.  Arguing brings a bad spirit into the relationship and gives place for the adversary to have influence.  We have to take a bite of "humble pie" and do our best to make ammends.  As stated in the New Testament,  “It takes faith to believe that "he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt. 10:39). Seeing our spouse's point of view, overcoming pride, and showing charity are the keys to a happy and peaceful relationship.

     This next quote from Goddard sums up many disagreements between my husband and I over the years.  "Psychologists tell us that we are all naive realists, which causes all of us to acknowledge that we all have limited facts and active biases. No human sees clearly. (But I do.) "Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies .. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are."  The fact is, that we only see things the way we see them, and that is not always wrapped in reality.  In the best seller, Crucial Conversation: Tools for talking when the stakes are high, we learn that a resolution to a problem cannot be found until all involved have shared their best ideas as to the solution.  Not one person has the answers  - whether it's the CEO, a parent, a spouse, a neighbor or what-have-you.

     To do so we must be humble.  Humble enough to accept advice or suggestions from our spouse.  Wallace Goddard states,  "Humility is the friend of truth. Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to truth from heaven. Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:9). We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."

     Pride is an ongoing issue in marriage relationships.  I know my husband Trent and I are continually working to break down the barriers that pride puts up when we are trying to resolve issues.  Pride makes us dig in our heels and not accept criticism.  It makes us think we are better than our spouse, and that we deserve to be treated better - whether or not our behavior warrants it.  President Ezra Taft Benson, past president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints states, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."

     How many times have we been in a "state of opposition" towards our spouse?  I recall a time when my husband was really upset with me because of the way I had thawed some chicken.  I was in a hurry and put the whole 5 lbs into a pot of boiling water - the end result being chicken that was par/boiled on the outside, and still frozen on the inside.  I was frustrated and knew this wasn't the best way to have gone about thawing the meat for dinner. In the meantime my husband couldn't get over the fact that I had done it in the first place and so I dug in my heals because I felt attacked and you know the rest of the story.  It was a big argument that should have never happened.  My pride got the best of me, and even though I knew I'd made an error, instead of admitting my mistake, I tried to protect myself. The entire confrontation could have been avoided if I'd left my pride behind and just admitted the stupidity of my mistake.

     The world would have us look on the outside in order to find love.  But looking on the inside, and extending charity towards a spouse who is less than perfect is a blessing in a marriage.  Goddard states, “The media provide a very specific image of the perfect man and woman. Our culture would have us obsess about perfect proportions, firm muscles, and flawless skin. But plastic surgery and relentless exercise are not the answer. Charity is.


We can repent of our narrow, trivial, superficial demands. We can recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him, and not because the luck of genetics compels our love.”

References - 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York : McGraw-Hill.

Benson, Ezra T. Beware of Pride. Ensign, May 1989.

Staying Emotionally Connected

Rituals of connection are a way family members connect with each other.  John Gottman of the Gottman Institute suggests that with rituals we “create shared meaning” in relationships with our spouse and family.  A ritual is a structured event or routine which re-enforces your devotion to each other.  It can be as simple as praying together in the morning, or eating dinner together in the evening,  Sociologist William Doherty identified that the rituals couples create should be meaningful and they need to sit well with each other.

Rituals of Connection – I grew up in a family who on the outside didn’t seem to have many ways of connecting.  We didn’t go on big trips every summer, we didn’t play games or cards on the weekends, however, I didn’t realize simple things like sharing ALL of our meals was a way we connected - breakfast, lunch, or dinner, it was a formal affair with the table set, a prayer said, and conversations shared.  We also lived on a farm and shared in the outside work, thus there are many stories of the farm we share as adults.  Likewise, I didn't notice my parents connecting with each other over the years.  They were not affectionate in front of the children and the only date I ever saw them go on was on their anniversary once a year when they went out to dinner. When I started my own family I realized we needed to start some traditions to help our family connect, and over the years we have.  Likewise, connections with my spouse were important.  They have been very simple and have evolved over time. Some of my favorite connections between my husband Trent and I are:

• Sitting next to each other at church on Sundays.
• Weekly date nights.
• An annual getaway overnight at a hotel where we spend time making goals and planning our year. 

Support each other in your roles - Another way to connect is through supporting each other in their roles. The closer a couple is similar in agreement as to the roles of each other, the more profound their ability to fulfill those roles.  Some favorites in our relationship are:

My husband is the breadwinner.  We planned for this and I supported him as he completed his education through his undergrad and graduate school.  My career of choice for the past 28 years has been that of homemaker.  I have worked very hard to run an organized household, to love our children, and raise them well.

Shared goals - We set goals annually for ourselves as a couple, for our family, and and for our individual children.

Shared Values and Symbols – this can be in the form of family stories which instill great pride.  For example I had a fourth great grandmother who died crossing the plains with the Mormon pioneers.  Her dying words were, “Tell my son John I died with my face toward Zion.”  This grandmother left a very meaningful legacy to our family and we have a family motto to "live with our faces toward Zion." Likewise, my husband’s father died many years ago died trying to save a drowning daughter.  They both went down tragically and will forever be memorialized and remembered by the family. 

It isn't fancy trips or material goods that give our relationship and family identity.  Its who we are and how we treat each other. It's simple everyday conversations about the present, and stories we share from the past. That's our secret to staying emotionally connected.

References - 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

McDonald, Anne and Young, Gaylen, "Descendants honor faithful ‘Wee Granny'" LDS Church News, July 28, 2001

Cherishing your spouse . . .

John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, which offers a research-based approach to relationships, is known for being able to predict divorce within 90 percent accuracy  where he observes the methods couples use during disagreements.  When he came up with a formula of negative behaviors that were commonly found in disagreements, (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) he thought he’d found the key to saving marriages, which was to teach people how to argue without being overridden by these four behaviors (commonly known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.) 

However, since then, Gottman has discovered that saving a relationship wasn’t just a matter of how couples “handle their disagreements, but also how [they] engage with each other when [they] aren’t fighting.”  To address this end, he came up with several principles “to strengthen friendship and trust, which are at the heart of every marriage.”  The first principle I will discuss in this post is “Love Maps,” which are the area of the brain where you store “all the relevant information about your partner’s life.”  Love Maps are important because they demonstrate how well we know or understand the details of our spouse’s life.  Having a detailed sense of each other’s “joys, likes, dislikes, fears, and stresses” strengthens marriages and relationships.

When life changes occur, especially dramatic ones like the birth of a first baby, many couples face a downward shift in marital satisfaction due to the many changes and expectations in their relationship.  However, couples who have detailed Love Maps are able to manage the storm of changes due to the fact that they already keep up with the details of each other’s lives.  Knowing each other intimately in many different respects cushions the relationship and actually strengthens it through life’s big changes and unexpected storms.

The challenge for couples is not only getting to know these details, but maintaining their “Love Maps” over the years.  Here’s some suggestions from my own experience of 28 years of marriage which I think have helped my husband and I stay connected over time.

Date night – For many many years, my husband Trent and I have always had a standing date night at the end of every week.  Either on Friday or Saturday we’d get a babysitter and go out together.  Sometimes it could be dinner and a movie, but other times it might be grocery shopping (not Trent’s favorite,  but sometimes a necessity in order to keep up with the day-to-day of our busy household.)  However, it didn’t matter the activity, just the opportunity to be together for the evening and get away from the stresses of home and family.  During our time together, we find time to laugh and talk and share each other’s week.  I ask him about work, about the important meeting he might have had on Wednesday, about his co-workers.  He asks me about my latest DIY paint projects in the garage, the Cub Scout fundraiser I'm involved in, and so on.  As we reconnect each week through date night, we share details of our lives in a fun and engaging way that helps to bond our marriage and our relationship.  Is date night always perfect?  Absolutely not.  Sometimes with the stresses of life, we are angry with each other by the time we get out the door.  We spend the first half hour arguing over whatever it is that is irritating us at the moment.  But consistently maintaining the habit of a date night over time has given us time to reconnect and share week after week, month after month, and year after year.

Pray – I have found prayer to be a source of great strength throughout my marriage.  As I pray for my spouse in good times and bad, my heart is softened and my love for my husband grows.  I pray for his success at work, I pray for us as a couple.  I pray in the middle of arguments, and we pray together every morning before he leaves for the day.  Prayer brings the spirit into our relationship and helps override the barrage of constant negativity that Satan seeks to bring to each marriage.

In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard shares this insight, “Most of us suffer garden-variety discontents. When we respond to them with ever-growing irritation, we are serving Satan's purposes. In contrast, God invites us to be like Adam and Eve as we "repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:8).  Adam and Eve were the first of God’s children to experience marriage and parenthood. They were righteous and constantly called upon God’s name through the power of prayer.  Henry B. Eyring, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has given this wise counsel, “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”

Referring back to Love Maps, as we come to know and stay in touch with the details of our marriage, our relationship with our spouse is strengthened.  As we pray for each other, we allow the Lord to strengthen and touch our hearts through the good and the bad.  Gottman states, ““There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.”

References –

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

President Henry B. Eyring, “Our perfect example.”  Ensign, November 2009, 70.

Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

Early on our wedding day, my mother rode with my soon-to-be husband, Trent, and I to a location, 45 minutes away, where we were soon to be married on that beautiful August morning. She commented later that she knew that morning in the car that we would always have a good marriage, because of how we chattered the entire way, like best friends.  I guess this surprised me at the time – isn’t everyone best friends when they are getting married?

Fast forward 28 years, and yes, Trent and I are still best friends.  According to John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, it is probably what has saved our marriage over the years.  After many years of research, observing over 2,000 couples, Dr. Gottman has determined the best indicator of success in marriage isn’t communication, or the ability to resolve differences.  It’s friendship.  However even though my husband and I have always been good friends, our marriage has not been perfect.  We’ve had our share of ups and downs through challenges.  First of all, as we were getting our education and then over the years managing our busy household of six children. There were financial troubles, health issues, and difficulties raising troubled teens.

However, all of those were much more manageable than what I began to see a few years into our marriage when I began to notice some really negative behaviors from my husband - that Trent was distant when I needed him, that he didn’t make our home a priority, that he was withdrawn, and he was ALWAYS on his phone. And especially when there was conflict between us - when we had a really big disagreement - he’d get so upset he'd actually go days without speaking to me.  That was actually the most difficult for me. One evening I said to him, “Sweetheart, you have never hit me, but when you go into your cave (as I called it) and won’t speak to me for what feels like days on end, it hurts me as much inside as if you’d hit me on the outside.”  I know my words shocked him, and after that he was better.  It didn’t happen as often, but it still did bear its ugly head on occasion, which was always difficult to endure.

It’s funny to think that I could be best friends with someone who exhibits these behaviors.  However, Trent has a naturally sunny disposition and tends to be fun-loving and social.  He’s the fun dad, the cool scout master, a favorite parent on our street – always playing night games with the kids.  But over the years there was always a time of disconnect when tensions were high.  When he felt criticized, unappreciated, or overworked and tired.

My husband finally sought counseling and came to understand that he suffers from a detachment disorder.  It is usually caused by traumatic events as a child.  His father and sister both died in a very tragic drowning accident when Trent was only five years old.  His mother went through a marriage, a divorce, and several moves after that time, and Trent wonders if the difficulty of growing up in an ever-changing home environment made it easier, and safer, to disconnect rather than feel difficult emotions and deal with them.

            He is still in a state of discovery, and it is something he is working hard to understand right now and through it all, I believe because we had established a solid friendship early on, we have been able to weather the storms. 

The Gottman Institute, which offers a research-based approach to relationships says they can predict which couples will divorce with over 90 percent accuracy.  Their discovery was simple. The difference between happy and unhappy couples in addition to having a good friendship, is also the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes love last.  That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1.  This means that for every one negative interaction between spouses, there must be five positive interactions to counter it.

They then go on to teach that there are certain approaches we can take to keep our marriages positive while working through conflict.  Here are a few from John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.

Show Intentional Appreciation
How you think about your partner influences how you treat them. By focusing on the positives of your marriage, such as the good moments from your past and your partner’s admirable traits, you put positive energy into your relationship.

Empathize and Apologize
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection. When you empathize with your spouse, you show that you understand and feel what your partner is feeling, even if you express empathy nonverbally through a facial expression or a physical gesture.

Accept Your Partner’s Perspective
An approach that drastically improves conflict is understanding that each of your perspectives are valid, even if they are opposed to each other.  The book, Crucial Conversations, states that it’s important to recognize whether in a business setting, or on a personal level, that everyone’s opinion counts.  With shared perspectives, we can many times find better solutions together than what we’d come up with on our own.

Wallace Goddard, a Christian author and PHD cites in his book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “Without [change], we will never be what we should be in marriage. We will drag our sick, troubled, tortured ways into every encounter and every relationship. God invites us to bury the diseased natural man and be born again as new creatures in Christ.”

I believe Christ can do this through his Atonement, which is the suffering he took upon himself for all our sins, our faults and challenges, and the things in life over which we have no control, but which control us. We can overcome these things, when we take them to Christ and ask him how.  He felt all these things for us when he suffered, and because of that, he knows us perfectly and can show us.

 I end with a quote from a very sweet man, a leader of our church who passed from this life several years ago, but who had a very good and kind and loving heart.  “True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.” (Apostle Joseph B. Wirthlin, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints).

References -

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York : McGraw-Hill.

Wirthlin, Joseph, October 2007 General Conference; The Great Commandment.