In-law Relations . . .

I was 14 years old when my oldest sister, Stephanie, married.  A few months later we were

looking forward to spending the Thanksgiving holiday with this new married couple when to
our surprise, we were informed they would not be spending the holiday with us, but with her new husband’s family.  What?!! It was an eye opener to say the least – the reality that there was another family we had to share our sister with?  No memories around the Thanksgiving table with them this year? I remember the feeling of disappointment, and even animosity – that there was another family that could lay claim to my sister and make demands on her time.

Fast forward almost 35 years and now I am watching my own children marry, and experiencing the same emotions as they discuss which holidays they can spend with us this year, and how our family can get on a rotation to spend the holidays every other year.  My hope is that with the six children I have, hopefully we can get everyone on the same rotation.   As I’ve contemplated this new stage of life and the best way to handle our need to be together as a family vs. the the same needs that my children’s new in-laws may feel, the words of author P. Cotterill in the book Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families come to mind. “Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their children to be to every family gathering.”

My younger brother has been married almost twenty years. And during that time his in-laws have demanded that they attend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas that they are in town.  I’ve seen them stop by a family gathering for an hour, and then politely excuse themselves, gather their six children, and run off to the in-laws to spend the rest of the day.  This has created an enormous amount of pressure to be expected to spend every holiday with their in-laws, and has caused resentment from both my brother and his wife.

Cotterill goes on to say, “Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife’s mother giving a tug on the one end, and the husband’s mother at the other end.” It’s important for couples to create their own identity and find a system that works primarily for them, but also preserves and nurtures their relationship with their parents and in-laws.

President Spencer W. Kimball, a past leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has stated, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from their in-laws of either side…Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks."

I remember my own father passing on this advice to my new husband right after we were married, “When you have your first quarrel, don’t let her come home -- and don’t send her home.” From that moment, he gave us permission and even showed that he expected us to solve our own problems. 

Citations –

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.),

P. Cotterill, (1994) Friendly Relations? Mother’s and their daughter’s in law. (New York: Taylor and Francis.)

Kimball, S.W., “Oneness in Marriage,”( Ensign, Mar. 1977, 5.)

Family Councils

What is a family council?  How can it be helpful?  Why would we want to council with our family.  We will answer all three questions in this week’s blog –

First of all, what is a family council?  A family council is made up of the members of a family.  That could be just the husband and wife, the parents and their children, or whatever members are living together in a home at one time.  In my present home we currently have two family councils.  Me and my husband represent the first council, and the second is our children.  We live in a three-generational home, so it includes high school and adult children, a daughter-in-law, and a grandchild.

How can a family council be helpful.  The first way is by providing structure within our family by taking care of the basics.  Scheduling the calendar, dividing up chores, deciding who cooks dinner on which night.  Keeping the carpools organized and going, paying bills, and staying on top of homework.  This all happens within our family council that includes EVERYONE in the household.  We meet once a week and go over the calendar, then make sure everyone is staying on top of their chores and being responsible.  We talk about anything that isn’t working well in the household, or address any type of concerns.  It’s a safe place where we can speak candidly and we remind everyone of that each time someone speaks. Elder Ballard, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, gives this council, that parents should “teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment. In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family.” In other words, parents should provide a loving and safe environment during family council.  Through this experience, children will learn to share, speak up, and problem solve as needed in their families.

The other family council consists of me and my husband.  We also meet once a week (or we try to at least) and discuss in similar fashion our calendar, our family, our relationship, his work, my schooling, our church callings – and whatever else seems to be important at the time.  We have goals for our us as a couple and for our family that we address.  The meetings aren’t long and we don’t talk about every subject every time, but it’s important to at least visit in the council so we can stay on top of things and keep our family and our marriage moving in the direction we want it to go.  There is an equality in our councils that is important. “neither is the man without the woman or the woman without the man,” (1 Corinthians 11:11) Same with our children.  It’s important we get everyone’s concerns and best ideas out on the table.  In the best selling book, Crucial Conversations, we learn that by teaching our children to speak and be heard we “surface the best ideas, make the highest-quality decisions, and then act on [the] decisions with unity and commitment.” This is an important skill for families to learn, to speak up, accept other opinions, and brainstorm for the best solutions to family problems.

The last question was, “why would we want to council with our family... and the answer is . . . . SO WE CAN BE HAPPY! When families are organized, (by planning

the calendar, for example) then problems are addressed. And when everyone has the opportunity to speak up and share, and when problems are solved (using the best ideas and brainstorming that follows) then families flourish.  Parents and children alike learn to listen to each other and each benefits through the exercise of learning and growing together.

Citations –

M. Russell Ballard (1997) Counseling With Your Councils. "Chapter 2: General Councils in the Church"

Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversation :tools for talking when stakes are high New York : McGraw-Hill,

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

In recent years the burgeoning pornography industry has made its way into our homes, our phones, and the privacies of our lives.  Infidelity has existed since the beginning of time,  however, the influence of pornography has increased those rates.  Time Magazine reports that in recent surveys University of Washington researchers have found that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28 percent in 2006, up from 20 percent in 1991. For women over 60, the increase is more striking: to 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991. The researchers also see big changes in relatively new marriages. About 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under 35 say they have ever been unfaithful, up from about 15 and 12 percent respectively.

On the rise . . .

A 2008 State of the Nation report from the United Kingdom states “A major factor driving the increase in infidelity and relationship breakdown appears to be the rapidly increasing accessibility of pornography via the internet.”  Fight the New Drug reports that in 2015, 4.3 billion hours of pornography were watched – on a single website! They go on to say that porn has been shown to increase marital infidelity by over 300 percent, and 88 percent of the scenes in pornographic videos depict aggression or violence.  The porn industry has been linked to child exploitation, and even human trafficking. Research also shows that here are about 1.5 billion pornographic downloads each month (35% of all downloads on the internet).

The impact on marriage

Reviewing the impact of pornography on marriage and family life in the US, author Dr. Jill Manning writes “Internet pornography is altering the social and sexual landscape. While there is much more to learn about these shifts regarding their impact on marriages and families, the research currently available indicates many negative trends. Unfortunately, these trends are expected to continue for some time, unless drastic changes in social norms, public education, parenting approaches, Internet restructuring, and law enforcement occur."

Does it matter?

Some say that porn doesn’t matter.  But  Dr. Patrick F. Fagan, Director of the Center for Research on Marriage and Religion found that "pornography use causes instability, distrust, and betrayal in marriages, severely damaging the bond between the husband and wife. Viewers of pornography assign increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. The emotional distance fostered by pornography... can often be just as damaging to the relationship as real-life infidelity, and both men and women tend to put online sexual activity in the same category as having an affair."

What is to be done with this onslaught and how can we protect our marriages and our homes? The answer can be found in remembering the purpose of sexual relations as a God-given gift to his children - for the expression of love and to bring his spirit children into this world.  If we remember the purpose and teach it to our children, being willing to answer ALL their questions in order to clarify all the misinformation they receive from friends at school, and having ongoing conversations at all their ages and stages, we can help mitigate the effects of pornography in our homes.  Filters are important, but will not protect our families 100 percent.  Ongoing conversations are the most important deterrent in a home - about what sex is, about why God gave us this power, about what our children's (and spouses) exposure is and has been and how they are dealing with it and how we can help them.  Having loving conversations that extend hope and help are the single most important thing we can do for our families in this day and age.

Sex is for the expression of love

Spencer W. Kimball, President of our church from 1973 to 1985 stated, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

Elder Richard G. Scott has stated, “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.”

Elder Parley P. Pratt once noted that “our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society.

“The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” (Parker Pratt Robison, ed., Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret News Press, 1952, pp. 52–53.)

Citations –

The State of the Nation Report. (n.d.). Pornography, sexual infidelity and family breakdown. Retrieved March 20, 2019, from https://byui.instructure.com/courses/36380/pages/w11-study?module_item_id=2470804

An Overview Of The Issue. (n.d.). Fight the new drug. Retrieved March 20, 2019, from https://fightthenewdrug.org/overview/#world (Links to an external site.)

Parker-Pope, T. (2008, October 27) The New York Times. More People Appear to Be Cheating on Their Spouses, Studies Find. Retrieved March 20, 2019, from https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/28/health/28well.html

Testimony of Jill C. Manning M,S.. Hearing on pornography's impact on marriage & the family. Subcommittee on the constitution, civil rights and property rights Committee on judiciary United States Senate November 10, 2005

President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

Elder Richard G. Scott, “Making the Right Choices (Links to an external site.),” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.

Parker Pratt Robison, ed., Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret News Press, 1952, pp. 52–53

What difference does charity make in a marriage?

From The Book of Mormon, a book written by ancient prophets and considered holy writ by members of our church we read, “Charity is the pure love of Christ.” (Moroni 7:47).  And the New Testament also tells us, “Charity never faileth.” (1 Corinthians 13:8) In regard to marriage, Wallace Goddard PhD tells us in his book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other.”  So instead of being frustrated with our spouse for the traits and quirks we didn’t expect in marriage, love them for the best that is in them.  Goddard gives us an outline which I found very helpful and would like to summarize below.

How do we get it?

We must want charity with all our hearts.  The apostle Paul stated he called upon the powers of Heaven for relief from his limitations.  Remember his “thorn in the flesh?”  Healing did not occur, but Paul received this answer, “… My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”  Paul went on to say, “ Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  He learned that “when we recognize our weakness . . . we can be made strong by His perfect grace.”

Putting it into perspective.

Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah (2 Nephi 2:8). The Book of Mormon teaches clearly and repeatedly that "there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent" (Mosiah 3:1).

What difference does it make?

Every marriage is going to face big challenges.  Things come up that partners never realized they would have to address.  My mother didn’t know my dad had a bad temper when they first married.  It didn’t come out until ten years later when they bought a small hobby farm with 40 cows, and my dad only his young children to help as farm hands.  If you grew up on a farm, you know one of the worst combinations is a obstinate cow and a scared, frantic child.  The cows would get out of hand in the barn, in the field, and while loading up on auction day.  These are the moment that a farm hand, or in my dad’s case, when his young son needed to be perfectly obedient and stand in “that hole” so that the cow does not run out of the corral and on to the neighbor's adjoining property.  That is exactly when the child would scream and run.  The desperation of running a farm in this climate brought out the most feverish tongue lashings and more. There were times I was afraid of my dad as he was so much bigger than I, and to this day I cannot stand it when my husband raises his voice to the children.   But my mother hung in there.  She knew deep down inside my dad was a good man whose challenge was a bad temper.  He did love the gospel with all his heart and was loyal to her and a good provider.  And it turns out his background was similar with an unhappy father who not only had a temper, but a mean streak as well.  At least we knew our father loved us, albeit couldn't control his temper when the cows were out. My mother chose to see the good in my dad and over time he has learned to control his temper and preserve his relationship with his children.

Goddard states, "When we choose to see the good, think about it, talk about it, and appreciate it, we bless those around us--often by evoking the same attitude in them. This can carry us to Zion."

Keeping our focus – Our reading this week pointed out that at some point in our marriage we enjoyed 80% of our spouses characteristics, but unfortunately the other 20% that we can’t stand eventually becomes the focus of our energy and resources.  It distracts from all the other good our spouse possesses.  We list their faults and then try to start an improvement plan.  This is all met with resistance from our spouse, and and the bickering ensues.  Goddard states, “The failure of our partners to appreciate our analyses of their characters is likely to result in more analysis and more criticism. Over time the marginal discontent can become the focus of our relationship. What a tragedy.”  However, if we will flip the coin and instead focus on our spouse’s strength, that is the quickest way to see improvement.  When good deeds and traits are praised, the more we will be privileged to see better ways.  We must be humble and have faith to understand our spouse’s needs, and meet them as Christ would.  When I comment on how tired my feet are after I’ve had a busy day and still have more to do in the evening before I can go to bed, the worst thing my husband can do is reprimand me by saying “Well, were you wearing the right shoes today?  Did they give you enough support?  You need to take better care of your feet.”  Instead, I’d like him to simply offer me a foot rub so I can rest for a few minutes before tackling the rest of my evening.  It takes the humility of Christ and the faith of Job at times to resist saying what might be true, but will only cause resistance and frustration.  Marleen S. Williams underscores the central role of seeing through the eyes of our partners: "When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person's behavior.”

The formula –

It appears that charity and virtue are the keys to accessing heaven's power. My husband is so good to help out when I’m running behind or to get back out of bed when he’s already comfortable to get me medicine or water when I’m not feeling well.  Unfortunately, many times when the tables are turned I feel put out much of the time.

We should find our partner’s infinite worth and don’t overlook it. Sense the Savior's love for them. That is the blessing we all seek. It is the heavenly gift that changes everything.  Like Goddard says, “Look for good qualities and kind deeds by your partner. Don't discount their goodness by looking for imperfect motives. Notice the good. Appreciate it.”

Actions - 

The ends of Goddard's book makes what I find to be a remarkable challenge in the following way, "As we are filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we are inclined to act redemptively. We are less inclined to be irritated and more inclined to be helpful. In what ways can you help your spouse along the journey toward Heaven?" 

References -

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Douglas E. Brinley and D. K. Judd (Eds.), Living in a Covenant Marriage, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book [2004], pg. 77

Consecration in marriage is all about loving and serving your spouse

     After many years of marriage, my husband Trent and I still get annoyed with each other's quibbles and quirks.  We still have to work at getting along, and every week there is some conflict we either need to apologize for, or to talk through to find resolution.  We've found that keeping score doesn't make us equal - instead it usually makes us mad.  John Gottman's research on marriage shows that "partners who exchange equal numbers of positives and negatives are not those who are happily married. Though it may sound like a 50-50 relationship, they are at high risk of divorce. In contrast, the best indicator that a relationship would be loving and enduring was five positives for each negative . . .happy marriage partners . . . give kindness, help, and goodness."  I have found that when I give my husband the benefit of the doubt and let go of hurts, we are both usually a lot happier.

     When we learn that our attitudes play an integral part in the negative aspects of our marital relationships, we can step back, look at ourselves as we truly are, and turn toward our spouse and find love through forgiveness and service.  This truth is portrayed powerfully in James Farrell's book, The Peacegiver. Brother Farrell shows that "most of our discontents are caused by our shriveled, narrow views of our partners. When we have the mind of Christ, there is no one we cannot fully love nor gladly serve." (I highly recommend the book!)

     Many times my husband and I have had to overlook the facts of an incident, and just give in for the greater good.  There are times I am right, but if I force the issue, tempers will flare and we won't be talking for the next three days.  Marriage counselor Wallace Goddard, Ph.D says it well -  "When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be."

 Goddard states that "consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. . . Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served-without thought of reward."

     I have learned from John Gottman of the Gottman Institute that "no one [spouse] is right."  Coming from two different backgrounds, we tend to see our way as "the way," and when spouses dig in their heals and start to fight ,it leaves the adversary space to negatively affect our relationships.

     Gottman says a main keys to managing conflict are through compromise and processing grievances so that they don't linger.  Just last week I found my husband's clothes on the floor - again!  However, instead of complaining as usual, I scooped them up and deposited them in the closet, on the floor where he could put them away when he returned home from work that night.  That way they were out of sight, but he could still be responsible for them.  I've asked him to do a better job of picking up his clothes, and for the more part he does.  So I give him credit for trying and don't expect perfection.  To me this is compromise, and it keeps love - and the spirit - in our marriage.  We also had a conversation lately concerning a subject that has bothered me for several years.  I won't bore you with the details, but Gottman's book helped me to understand the necessity of working through grievances.  He states, "When emotional injuries aren't addressed, they tend to become constant irritants -- like a stone in your shoe. People tend to ruminate about these incidents and emotional distance can build up over time."  After discussing the "injury" I had been hanging on to for some time, we were able to find a consensus, and I've been able to put it behind me.  Too bad I hung on to it for so long and let it fester and bother me like it had.  

     I've also found old fashioned forgiveness to be the way I consecrate myself to my marriage.  There are times I have to just let go of past hurts, and move on.  Goddard states that in order to move forward, "you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. . . When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.  Bitterness is a heavy burden.  Shakespeare wrote, Mercy is 'twice blessed. It blesses him that give and him that takes.'"

     Goddard challenges us by asking, "Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment? For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner?

I'm willing. Are you?  

Citations -

Farrell, James L, (2004). The peacegiver: How christ offers to heal our hearts and homes, Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

What are the little ways in which pride is manifest in marriage?

     In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Wallace Goddard states, “We are devoted to finding happiness- and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.”  After 28 years of marriage I can say that many selfish moments make up a marriage and too much time is spent in trying to get our own way.  John Gottman states,  "when a couple [has] an argument, there are so many accusations and counteraccusations that sometimes it can be hard to determine the underlying cause."  We have to step back, shake off our pride and start over with a resolve to focus on the problem and a solution and not attack each other in the process.  Sometimes we have to say we are sorry, even when we believe our spouse is at fault.  Arguing brings a bad spirit into the relationship and gives place for the adversary to have influence.  We have to take a bite of "humble pie" and do our best to make ammends.  As stated in the New Testament,  “It takes faith to believe that "he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt. 10:39). Seeing our spouse's point of view, overcoming pride, and showing charity are the keys to a happy and peaceful relationship.

     This next quote from Goddard sums up many disagreements between my husband and I over the years.  "Psychologists tell us that we are all naive realists, which causes all of us to acknowledge that we all have limited facts and active biases. No human sees clearly. (But I do.) "Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies .. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are."  The fact is, that we only see things the way we see them, and that is not always wrapped in reality.  In the best seller, Crucial Conversation: Tools for talking when the stakes are high, we learn that a resolution to a problem cannot be found until all involved have shared their best ideas as to the solution.  Not one person has the answers  - whether it's the CEO, a parent, a spouse, a neighbor or what-have-you.

     To do so we must be humble.  Humble enough to accept advice or suggestions from our spouse.  Wallace Goddard states,  "Humility is the friend of truth. Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to truth from heaven. Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:9). We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."

     Pride is an ongoing issue in marriage relationships.  I know my husband Trent and I are continually working to break down the barriers that pride puts up when we are trying to resolve issues.  Pride makes us dig in our heels and not accept criticism.  It makes us think we are better than our spouse, and that we deserve to be treated better - whether or not our behavior warrants it.  President Ezra Taft Benson, past president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints states, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."

     How many times have we been in a "state of opposition" towards our spouse?  I recall a time when my husband was really upset with me because of the way I had thawed some chicken.  I was in a hurry and put the whole 5 lbs into a pot of boiling water - the end result being chicken that was par/boiled on the outside, and still frozen on the inside.  I was frustrated and knew this wasn't the best way to have gone about thawing the meat for dinner. In the meantime my husband couldn't get over the fact that I had done it in the first place and so I dug in my heals because I felt attacked and you know the rest of the story.  It was a big argument that should have never happened.  My pride got the best of me, and even though I knew I'd made an error, instead of admitting my mistake, I tried to protect myself. The entire confrontation could have been avoided if I'd left my pride behind and just admitted the stupidity of my mistake.

     The world would have us look on the outside in order to find love.  But looking on the inside, and extending charity towards a spouse who is less than perfect is a blessing in a marriage.  Goddard states, “The media provide a very specific image of the perfect man and woman. Our culture would have us obsess about perfect proportions, firm muscles, and flawless skin. But plastic surgery and relentless exercise are not the answer. Charity is.


We can repent of our narrow, trivial, superficial demands. We can recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him, and not because the luck of genetics compels our love.”

References - 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York : McGraw-Hill.

Benson, Ezra T. Beware of Pride. Ensign, May 1989.