John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, which offers a research-based approach to relationships, is known for being able to predict divorce within 90 percent accuracy where he observes the methods couples use during disagreements. When he came up with a formula of negative behaviors that were commonly found in disagreements, (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) he thought he’d found the key to saving marriages, which was to teach people how to argue without being overridden by these four behaviors (commonly known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.)
However, since then, Gottman has discovered that saving a relationship wasn’t just a matter of how couples “handle their disagreements, but also how [they] engage with each other when [they] aren’t fighting.” To address this end, he came up with several principles “to strengthen friendship and trust, which are at the heart of every marriage.” The first principle I will discuss in this post is “Love Maps,” which are the area of the brain where you store “all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Love Maps are important because they demonstrate how well we know or understand the details of our spouse’s life. Having a detailed sense of each other’s “joys, likes, dislikes, fears, and stresses” strengthens marriages and relationships.
When life changes occur, especially dramatic ones like the birth of a first baby, many couples face a downward shift in marital satisfaction due to the many changes and expectations in their relationship. However, couples who have detailed Love Maps are able to manage the storm of changes due to the fact that they already keep up with the details of each other’s lives. Knowing each other intimately in many different respects cushions the relationship and actually strengthens it through life’s big changes and unexpected storms.
The challenge for couples is not only getting to know these details, but maintaining their “Love Maps” over the years. Here’s some suggestions from my own experience of 28 years of marriage which I think have helped my husband and I stay connected over time.
Date night – For many many years, my husband Trent and I have always had a standing date night at the end of every week. Either on Friday or Saturday we’d get a babysitter and go out together. Sometimes it could be dinner and a movie, but other times it might be grocery shopping (not Trent’s favorite, but sometimes a necessity in order to keep up with the day-to-day of our busy household.) However, it didn’t matter the activity, just the opportunity to be together for the evening and get away from the stresses of home and family. During our time together, we find time to laugh and talk and share each other’s week. I ask him about work, about the important meeting he might have had on Wednesday, about his co-workers. He asks me about my latest DIY paint projects in the garage, the Cub Scout fundraiser I'm involved in, and so on. As we reconnect each week through date night, we share details of our lives in a fun and engaging way that helps to bond our marriage and our relationship. Is date night always perfect? Absolutely not. Sometimes with the stresses of life, we are angry with each other by the time we get out the door. We spend the first half hour arguing over whatever it is that is irritating us at the moment. But consistently maintaining the habit of a date night over time has given us time to reconnect and share week after week, month after month, and year after year.
Pray – I have found prayer to be a source of great strength throughout my marriage. As I pray for my spouse in good times and bad, my heart is softened and my love for my husband grows. I pray for his success at work, I pray for us as a couple. I pray in the middle of arguments, and we pray together every morning before he leaves for the day. Prayer brings the spirit into our relationship and helps override the barrage of constant negativity that Satan seeks to bring to each marriage.
In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard shares this insight, “Most of us suffer garden-variety discontents. When we respond to them with ever-growing irritation, we are serving Satan's purposes. In contrast, God invites us to be like Adam and Eve as we "repent and call upon God in the name of the Son forevermore" (Moses 5:8). Adam and Eve were the first of God’s children to experience marriage and parenthood. They were righteous and constantly called upon God’s name through the power of prayer. Henry B. Eyring, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has given this wise counsel, “Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.”
Referring back to Love Maps, as we come to know and stay in touch with the details of our marriage, our relationship with our spouse is strengthened. As we pray for each other, we allow the Lord to strengthen and touch our hearts through the good and the bad. Gottman states, ““There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.”
References –
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
President Henry B. Eyring, “Our perfect example.” Ensign, November 2009, 70.
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