From The Book of Mormon, a book written by ancient prophets and considered holy writ by members of our church we read, “Charity is the pure love of Christ.” (Moroni 7:47). And the New Testament also tells us, “Charity never faileth.” (1 Corinthians 13:8) In regard to marriage, Wallace Goddard PhD tells us in his book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, “Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other.” So instead of being frustrated with our spouse for the traits and quirks we didn’t expect in marriage, love them for the best that is in them. Goddard gives us an outline which I found very helpful and would like to summarize below.
How do we get it?
We must want charity with all our hearts. The apostle Paul stated he called upon the powers of Heaven for relief from his limitations. Remember his “thorn in the flesh?” Healing did not occur, but Paul received this answer, “… My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Paul went on to say, “ Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” He learned that “when we recognize our weakness . . . we can be made strong by His perfect grace.”
Putting it into perspective.
Charity comes only when we humbly recognize the weakness of our mortal natures and throw ourselves on the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah (2 Nephi 2:8). The Book of Mormon teaches clearly and repeatedly that "there shall be no other name given nor any other way nor means whereby salvation can come unto the children of men, only in and through the name of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent" (Mosiah 3:1).
What difference does it make?
Every marriage is going to face big challenges. Things come up that partners never realized they would have to address. My mother didn’t know my dad had a bad temper when they first married. It didn’t come out until ten years later when they bought a small hobby farm with 40 cows, and my dad only his young children to help as farm hands. If you grew up on a farm, you know one of the worst combinations is a obstinate cow and a scared, frantic child. The cows would get out of hand in the barn, in the field, and while loading up on auction day. These are the moment that a farm hand, or in my dad’s case, when his young son needed to be perfectly obedient and stand in “that hole” so that the cow does not run out of the corral and on to the neighbor's adjoining property. That is exactly when the child would scream and run. The desperation of running a farm in this climate brought out the most feverish tongue lashings and more. There were times I was afraid of my dad as he was so much bigger than I, and to this day I cannot stand it when my husband raises his voice to the children. But my mother hung in there. She knew deep down inside my dad was a good man whose challenge was a bad temper. He did love the gospel with all his heart and was loyal to her and a good provider. And it turns out his background was similar with an unhappy father who not only had a temper, but a mean streak as well. At least we knew our father loved us, albeit couldn't control his temper when the cows were out. My mother chose to see the good in my dad and over time he has learned to control his temper and preserve his relationship with his children.
Goddard states, "When we choose to see the good, think about it, talk about it, and appreciate it, we bless those around us--often by evoking the same attitude in them. This can carry us to Zion."
Keeping our focus – Our reading this week pointed out that at some point in our marriage we enjoyed 80% of our spouses characteristics, but unfortunately the other 20% that we can’t stand eventually becomes the focus of our energy and resources. It distracts from all the other good our spouse possesses. We list their faults and then try to start an improvement plan. This is all met with resistance from our spouse, and and the bickering ensues. Goddard states, “The failure of our partners to appreciate our analyses of their characters is likely to result in more analysis and more criticism. Over time the marginal discontent can become the focus of our relationship. What a tragedy.” However, if we will flip the coin and instead focus on our spouse’s strength, that is the quickest way to see improvement. When good deeds and traits are praised, the more we will be privileged to see better ways. We must be humble and have faith to understand our spouse’s needs, and meet them as Christ would. When I comment on how tired my feet are after I’ve had a busy day and still have more to do in the evening before I can go to bed, the worst thing my husband can do is reprimand me by saying “Well, were you wearing the right shoes today? Did they give you enough support? You need to take better care of your feet.” Instead, I’d like him to simply offer me a foot rub so I can rest for a few minutes before tackling the rest of my evening. It takes the humility of Christ and the faith of Job at times to resist saying what might be true, but will only cause resistance and frustration. Marleen S. Williams underscores the central role of seeing through the eyes of our partners: "When you understand another person through the lens of his or her own life experience and history, you will find it easier to interpret that person's behavior.”
The formula –
It appears that charity and virtue are the keys to accessing heaven's power. My husband is so good to help out when I’m running behind or to get back out of bed when he’s already comfortable to get me medicine or water when I’m not feeling well. Unfortunately, many times when the tables are turned I feel put out much of the time.
We should find our partner’s infinite worth and don’t overlook it. Sense the Savior's love for them. That is the blessing we all seek. It is the heavenly gift that changes everything. Like Goddard says, “Look for good qualities and kind deeds by your partner. Don't discount their goodness by looking for imperfect motives. Notice the good. Appreciate it.”
Actions -
The ends of Goddard's book makes what I find to be a remarkable challenge in the following way, "As we are filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we are inclined to act redemptively. We are less inclined to be irritated and more inclined to be helpful. In what ways can you help your spouse along the journey toward Heaven?"
References -
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Douglas E. Brinley and D. K. Judd (Eds.), Living in a Covenant Marriage, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book [2004], pg. 77
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