In-law Relations . . .

I was 14 years old when my oldest sister, Stephanie, married.  A few months later we were

looking forward to spending the Thanksgiving holiday with this new married couple when to
our surprise, we were informed they would not be spending the holiday with us, but with her new husband’s family.  What?!! It was an eye opener to say the least – the reality that there was another family we had to share our sister with?  No memories around the Thanksgiving table with them this year? I remember the feeling of disappointment, and even animosity – that there was another family that could lay claim to my sister and make demands on her time.

Fast forward almost 35 years and now I am watching my own children marry, and experiencing the same emotions as they discuss which holidays they can spend with us this year, and how our family can get on a rotation to spend the holidays every other year.  My hope is that with the six children I have, hopefully we can get everyone on the same rotation.   As I’ve contemplated this new stage of life and the best way to handle our need to be together as a family vs. the the same needs that my children’s new in-laws may feel, the words of author P. Cotterill in the book Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families come to mind. “Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their children to be to every family gathering.”

My younger brother has been married almost twenty years. And during that time his in-laws have demanded that they attend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas that they are in town.  I’ve seen them stop by a family gathering for an hour, and then politely excuse themselves, gather their six children, and run off to the in-laws to spend the rest of the day.  This has created an enormous amount of pressure to be expected to spend every holiday with their in-laws, and has caused resentment from both my brother and his wife.

Cotterill goes on to say, “Often the relationship between families can be like a tug-of-war, with the wife’s mother giving a tug on the one end, and the husband’s mother at the other end.” It’s important for couples to create their own identity and find a system that works primarily for them, but also preserves and nurtures their relationship with their parents and in-laws.

President Spencer W. Kimball, a past leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has stated, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from their in-laws of either side…Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks."

I remember my own father passing on this advice to my new husband right after we were married, “When you have your first quarrel, don’t let her come home -- and don’t send her home.” From that moment, he gave us permission and even showed that he expected us to solve our own problems. 

Citations –

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.),

P. Cotterill, (1994) Friendly Relations? Mother’s and their daughter’s in law. (New York: Taylor and Francis.)

Kimball, S.W., “Oneness in Marriage,”( Ensign, Mar. 1977, 5.)