Rituals of connection are a way family members connect with each other. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute suggests that with rituals we “create shared meaning” in relationships with our spouse and family. A ritual is a structured event or routine which re-enforces your devotion to each other. It can be as simple as praying together in the morning, or eating dinner together in the evening, Sociologist William Doherty identified that the rituals couples create should be meaningful and they need to sit well with each other.
Rituals of Connection – I grew up in a family who on the outside didn’t seem to have many ways of connecting. We didn’t go on big trips every summer, we didn’t play games or cards on the weekends, however, I didn’t realize simple things like sharing ALL of our meals was a way we connected - breakfast, lunch, or dinner, it was a formal affair with the table set, a prayer said, and conversations shared. We also lived on a farm and shared in the outside work, thus there are many stories of the farm we share as adults. Likewise, I didn't notice my parents connecting with each other over the years. They were not affectionate in front of the children and the only date I ever saw them go on was on their anniversary once a year when they went out to dinner. When I started my own family I realized we needed to start some traditions to help our family connect, and over the years we have. Likewise, connections with my spouse were important. They have been very simple and have evolved over time. Some of my favorite connections between my husband Trent and I are:- Sitting next to each other at church on Sundays.
- Weekly date nights.
- An annual getaway overnight at a hotel where we spend time making goals and planning our year.
Support each other in your roles - Another way to connect is through supporting each other in their roles. The closer a couple is similar in agreement as to the roles of each other, the more profound their ability to fulfill those roles. Some favorites in our relationship are:
My husband is the breadwinner. We planned for this and I supported him as he completed his education through his undergrad and graduate school. My career of choice for the past 28 years has been that of homemaker. I have worked very hard to run an organized household, to love our children, and raise them well.
Shared goals - We set goals annually for ourselves as a couple, for our family, and and for our individual children.
Shared Values and Symbols – this can be in the form of family stories which instill great pride. For example I had a fourth great grandmother who died crossing the plains with the Mormon pioneers. Her dying words were, “Tell my son John I died with my face toward Zion.” This grandmother left a very meaningful legacy to our family and we have a family motto to "live with our faces toward Zion." Likewise, my husband’s father died many years ago died trying to save a drowning daughter. They both went down tragically and will forever be memorialized and remembered by the family.
It isn't fancy trips or material goods that give our relationship and family identity. Its who we are and how we treat each other. It's simple everyday conversations about the present, and stories we share from the past. That's our secret to staying emotionally connected.
References -
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.
No comments:
Post a Comment