What are the little ways in which pride is manifest in marriage?

     In the book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Wallace Goddard states, “We are devoted to finding happiness- and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness.”  After 28 years of marriage I can say that many selfish moments make up a marriage and too much time is spent in trying to get our own way.  John Gottman states,  "when a couple [has] an argument, there are so many accusations and counteraccusations that sometimes it can be hard to determine the underlying cause."  We have to step back, shake off our pride and start over with a resolve to focus on the problem and a solution and not attack each other in the process.  Sometimes we have to say we are sorry, even when we believe our spouse is at fault.  Arguing brings a bad spirit into the relationship and gives place for the adversary to have influence.  We have to take a bite of "humble pie" and do our best to make ammends.  As stated in the New Testament,  “It takes faith to believe that "he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt. 10:39). Seeing our spouse's point of view, overcoming pride, and showing charity are the keys to a happy and peaceful relationship.

     This next quote from Goddard sums up many disagreements between my husband and I over the years.  "Psychologists tell us that we are all naive realists, which causes all of us to acknowledge that we all have limited facts and active biases. No human sees clearly. (But I do.) "Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies .. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are."  The fact is, that we only see things the way we see them, and that is not always wrapped in reality.  In the best seller, Crucial Conversation: Tools for talking when the stakes are high, we learn that a resolution to a problem cannot be found until all involved have shared their best ideas as to the solution.  Not one person has the answers  - whether it's the CEO, a parent, a spouse, a neighbor or what-have-you.

     To do so we must be humble.  Humble enough to accept advice or suggestions from our spouse.  Wallace Goddard states,  "Humility is the friend of truth. Humility opens us up to the experience of others and to truth from heaven. Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that "man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (Mosiah 4:9). We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner's perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective."

     Pride is an ongoing issue in marriage relationships.  I know my husband Trent and I are continually working to break down the barriers that pride puts up when we are trying to resolve issues.  Pride makes us dig in our heels and not accept criticism.  It makes us think we are better than our spouse, and that we deserve to be treated better - whether or not our behavior warrants it.  President Ezra Taft Benson, past president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints states, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."

     How many times have we been in a "state of opposition" towards our spouse?  I recall a time when my husband was really upset with me because of the way I had thawed some chicken.  I was in a hurry and put the whole 5 lbs into a pot of boiling water - the end result being chicken that was par/boiled on the outside, and still frozen on the inside.  I was frustrated and knew this wasn't the best way to have gone about thawing the meat for dinner. In the meantime my husband couldn't get over the fact that I had done it in the first place and so I dug in my heals because I felt attacked and you know the rest of the story.  It was a big argument that should have never happened.  My pride got the best of me, and even though I knew I'd made an error, instead of admitting my mistake, I tried to protect myself. The entire confrontation could have been avoided if I'd left my pride behind and just admitted the stupidity of my mistake.

     The world would have us look on the outside in order to find love.  But looking on the inside, and extending charity towards a spouse who is less than perfect is a blessing in a marriage.  Goddard states, “The media provide a very specific image of the perfect man and woman. Our culture would have us obsess about perfect proportions, firm muscles, and flawless skin. But plastic surgery and relentless exercise are not the answer. Charity is.


We can repent of our narrow, trivial, superficial demands. We can recognize that a person is beautiful because we choose to love her or him, and not because the luck of genetics compels our love.”

References - 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Patterson, Kerry. (Eds.) (2012) Crucial conversations: tools for talking when stakes are high. New York : McGraw-Hill.

Benson, Ezra T. Beware of Pride. Ensign, May 1989.