Consecration in marriage is all about loving and serving your spouse

     After many years of marriage, my husband Trent and I still get annoyed with each other's quibbles and quirks.  We still have to work at getting along, and every week there is some conflict we either need to apologize for, or to talk through to find resolution.  We've found that keeping score doesn't make us equal - instead it usually makes us mad.  John Gottman's research on marriage shows that "partners who exchange equal numbers of positives and negatives are not those who are happily married. Though it may sound like a 50-50 relationship, they are at high risk of divorce. In contrast, the best indicator that a relationship would be loving and enduring was five positives for each negative . . .happy marriage partners . . . give kindness, help, and goodness."  I have found that when I give my husband the benefit of the doubt and let go of hurts, we are both usually a lot happier.

     When we learn that our attitudes play an integral part in the negative aspects of our marital relationships, we can step back, look at ourselves as we truly are, and turn toward our spouse and find love through forgiveness and service.  This truth is portrayed powerfully in James Farrell's book, The Peacegiver. Brother Farrell shows that "most of our discontents are caused by our shriveled, narrow views of our partners. When we have the mind of Christ, there is no one we cannot fully love nor gladly serve." (I highly recommend the book!)

     Many times my husband and I have had to overlook the facts of an incident, and just give in for the greater good.  There are times I am right, but if I force the issue, tempers will flare and we won't be talking for the next three days.  Marriage counselor Wallace Goddard, Ph.D says it well -  "When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be."

 Goddard states that "consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. . . Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served-without thought of reward."

     I have learned from John Gottman of the Gottman Institute that "no one [spouse] is right."  Coming from two different backgrounds, we tend to see our way as "the way," and when spouses dig in their heals and start to fight ,it leaves the adversary space to negatively affect our relationships.

     Gottman says a main keys to managing conflict are through compromise and processing grievances so that they don't linger.  Just last week I found my husband's clothes on the floor - again!  However, instead of complaining as usual, I scooped them up and deposited them in the closet, on the floor where he could put them away when he returned home from work that night.  That way they were out of sight, but he could still be responsible for them.  I've asked him to do a better job of picking up his clothes, and for the more part he does.  So I give him credit for trying and don't expect perfection.  To me this is compromise, and it keeps love - and the spirit - in our marriage.  We also had a conversation lately concerning a subject that has bothered me for several years.  I won't bore you with the details, but Gottman's book helped me to understand the necessity of working through grievances.  He states, "When emotional injuries aren't addressed, they tend to become constant irritants -- like a stone in your shoe. People tend to ruminate about these incidents and emotional distance can build up over time."  After discussing the "injury" I had been hanging on to for some time, we were able to find a consensus, and I've been able to put it behind me.  Too bad I hung on to it for so long and let it fester and bother me like it had.  

     I've also found old fashioned forgiveness to be the way I consecrate myself to my marriage.  There are times I have to just let go of past hurts, and move on.  Goddard states that in order to move forward, "you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. . . When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.  Bitterness is a heavy burden.  Shakespeare wrote, Mercy is 'twice blessed. It blesses him that give and him that takes.'"

     Goddard challenges us by asking, "Are you willing to try a 30-day experiment? For 30 days are you willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner? Are you willing to set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts in your partner?

I'm willing. Are you?  

Citations -

Farrell, James L, (2004). The peacegiver: How christ offers to heal our hearts and homes, Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.